Tuesday, July 22, 2014


That's short for Doris Update.

First and most importantly, I am pleased to say I successfully vacated my vehicle this morning before the end of the Kiel Mortgage radio commercial, preventing me from having to hear the most insipid, inane, maddening commercial jingle of all time. It got stuck in my head anyway, but I have faith that it will quickly be replaced by the train safety video Jonathan is currently watching called Dumb Ways to Die

My abdomen is healing up nicely. I barely ever have shooting pain from one end to the other anymore. I'm out of percocet, but I'm handling it. Because I can quit anytime. Stairs still make my gut cranky and the doctor turned out to be right about not lifting heavy things. It makes me ache. Or... I mean... that's what I hear... because... I haven't actually lifted anything heavy... because I always follow all the rules... all the time... 

However... all that being said... you know the part on Independence Day where they finally decide to nuke the alien ship over Houston?

They all think it was a big success, and everyone cheers, and then the general asks if they have visual confirmation that the target was destroyed, and the guy says, "Target remains." Well... let's just say my hysterectomy was a nuclear missile and the pain in my lower left quadrant is the alien ship over Houston. Target remains.

So my gynecologist said to wait another month or so until I'm all healed up from my hysterectomy, and then if my lower left quadrant is still being stupid, the medical community will conclude that I have phantom pain left over from previous abdominal trauma. Like an amputee who still feels pain in a missing limb. I mean seriously. Of all the ridiculous reasons to be in pain. Dumb.

Reminds me of the song in my head.

Dumb kinds of pain...
So many dumb kinds of pain...

In other news, it occurred to me today that even though I can't go back to the gym until August 1, I can still do all my PT stretches at home, which should greatly alleviate my back pain. AHA!

So that's happy.