JAMES (entering living room and pausing in front of me): What.
MOM (smiling affectionately): Nuthin'. I'm just watchin' ya.
JAMES: Oh. (pause) It's a little unsettling.
MOM: You know why I'm doing that? Because I heard that one of the ways kids feel loved is for their parents to just notice them throughout the day and pay attention to what they're doing. I'm just showin' ya that I like ya.
JAMES: Well, it's kinda creepy.
JONATHAN: Did you know that when someone makes a fake farting sound like this ~ pppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbtttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt ~ it makes TV screens shake a little?
MOM: Actually, it's your eyeballs that are shaking.
JONATHAN: No. It's the TV.
MOM: Hey, would you guys like to do your chore list backward today?
JONATHAN: No. That would not make a lick of sense.
JONATHAN: Okay. Say you came home on the last day of school before summer vacation, and you got your mail, and inside your mailbox was a letter about back-to-school.
JAMES: Whoever would do that really does not like kids very much.
JONATHAN: I want to learn to play the tuba.
JAMES: Could I sit inside it while you play it?
JAMES: Maybe you could sit inside it while you play it.
JAMES: If someone could sit inside the tuba and play it at the same time, that would be a world record of stretchiness!
JAMES: Why do girls love shopping so much?
MOM: I'm not sure, actually.
JONATHAN: You should know.
JAMES: Yeah. You are a girl.
(I hate shopping, FYI.)
JAMES: Mom, have you ever been to Tokyo?
MOM: Nope, I haven't been to Tokyo. I flew over it, but I didn't land there. I landed in South Korea.
JAMES: Finally! Someplace I really want to go where you haven't been yet!
MOM: I really haven't been to that many places.
JAMES: What? You've been to a LOT of places!
JONATHAN: Mom! You've been to Disneyland! You've been to Florida!
JAMES: You've been to DisneyWORLD!
JONATHAN: You've been to the PHILISTINES!!!!!
(Well... if you're referring to the city of Ashkelon in Israel, then yes, I've been to the Philistines. I've also been to The Philippines.)
JAMES (after watching me watch Antiques Roadshow): I never knew such a boring show could be on such a cool channel.
JONATHAN: Seriously, Mom. The chicken crossed the road to get to the other side? I don't see how that's funny.