Saturday, April 2, 2011

Still Here

Back propped against pillows, I tried to talk to God. "Please don't make me feel too much," I pleaded. "It hurts."

Jeff woke, face already turned in my direction, and murmured through squinty eyes, "Good morning."

"Hi..." I replied softly.

His eyes popped open. "What's wrong?"

I stalled. "What makes you think something is wrong?"

"The way you're sitting," he slurred inexplicably.

My eyes took quick stock. Impossible. "How does the way I'm sitting indicate there might be something wrong?"

Jeff paused, brow slightly furrowed. "Just tell me," he finally mumbled groggily, firmly.

I ducked my head. Tears stung my eyes. He was right, of course. Something was wrong. Words stuck behind the lump in my throat.

"Bad night?" he guessed.

Good guess. I'd had a few in a row. I shook my head.

He waited.

Fifteen months since the suicide. I was tired of talking about it.

"Dead dad," I finally whispered reluctantly.

Old news. Fresh pain. Still here.

Jeff sighed the patient sigh of a grief companion. He took my hand and prayed, "Lord, Becky's been having some bad nights, and she misses her dad. Please comfort her, and give me wisdom to know what to say."

He'd just said it.

As he left to kneel in front of the wood stove and coax flame to life, I returned to my attempt at conversation with the Ancient of Days.

Nothing to say. I tried listening.

"Be still and know that I am God..."

You will be exalted in the heavens.
You will be exalted in the earth.
You are my refuge. I run to You and I am safe.

"Be still and know that I am..."

You are Lord of Creation and Lord of my life.

"Be still and know that I..."

You love me with everlasting love.
You are my comfort.

"Be still and know..."

You hurt with me.
You put my tears in Your bottle.
You have taken account of my wanderings.
You are for me.

"Be still..."

You are sovereign.
You are my helper.
Raphah ~ Cease striving. Let go. Relax.

"Be." Bat Av ~ Daughter of Abba.

Timeless God. Fresh comfort. Still here.

~~~

Original post 3/16/11. Submitted for the She Speaks Scholarship Contest at A Holy Experience. She Speaks is a conference designed to help women learn to connect other women to the heart of our Abba Father. That's the reason my blog is public. I tell my messy stories... that as God heals me, He may heal you.