Saturday, September 25, 2010

The Fixer Upper: We Might Be a Redneck (fer a little while enyways...)



Note: this post is to be read aloud with a southern drawl.

If yer second kitchen...

always ketches th' first drops...

of mornin' dew...

you might be a redneck.

If yer idee of recyclin' is ta melt yer cans inta th' side of th' burn barrel...

you might be a redneck.

If yer driveway...

is decorated...

with carpet foam pavers...

you might be a redneck.

If a trip ta th' dump starts with a game of eeny...

meeny...

miny...

mo...

you might be a redneck.

If yer master closet is fulla th' back end of a fireplace...

you might be a redneck.

If ya use so much Reynolds Wrap thet th' storage drawer under th' cuttin' board jest ain't handy enough...

you might be a redneck.

If yer friendly lawn ornament still holds th' place of honor by yer front step even though it ain't so friendly no mo'...

you might be a redneck.

If yer family wine tastes a lot like blackberries...

you might be a redneck.

If yer grass gains so much weight thet it can't stand up fer itself enymo'...

you might be a redneck.

If ya hafta send out a search party ta find yer heat pump...

you might be a redneck.

If yer house is legally licensed ta drive...

you might be a redneck.

If ya need satellite imagery...

in order ta find yer RV loop...

you might be a redneck.

If ya find a new outbuildin' ever' time ya go fer a walk...

you might be a redneck.

If yer wife can stand up tall and look yer front lawn straight in th' eye...

you might be a redneck.

If ya find...

enough tires...

to keep ya...

well-stocked...

until th' year...

2037...

you might be a redneck.

And last but not least, the circumstance that inspired this post:

If ya got mo' to'lets outside...

then ya got inside...

you might be a redneck!