Monday, March 3, 2008

Metamorphosis

I've ALWAYS thought I was an extremely linear person. Every personality test I've ever taken has described me as such. Linear, linear Becky.

But, as many of you know, I've spent the past year and a half in a cocoon, which I'm still in.

Caterpillars are quite linear, come to think of it.

In my cocoon, I've been liquefied, and I think I'm being liquefied some more. But as a result of that process, unbeknownst to me until this week, my personality has metamorphosed right along with the rest of me.

I took a personality test for work this week, and it said I was creative.

Right.

I have NEVER seen myself that way.

I took it again, just to be sure. I put down completely different answers.

Same. Creative.

I took it a third time, using even MORE different answers.

Still creative.

I said to Jeff, "I took the test again and it still thinks I'm creative! What do you think about that?"

Without missing a beat (as usual), Jeff said, "That your effort to prove you're not creative has proven to be a creative effort."

This really is really all new and different to me. Good different. Exciting.

Know why?

I'll tell you why.

I've always been creative, but for whatever reason, I've always thought I should be linear. I've been trying and trying and trying for my whole life to be linear.

And I've been failing and failing and failing to achieve true linear-ness.

And I've been down, down, down on myself for not living up to my own standards.

For my whole life.

I can't even express to you how freeing it was to realize I was imposing totally impossible standards on myself. Learning about (and embracing) my creative self has given me a freedom I've never had before:

The freedom to fail.

To fail to be linear!

Because I'm NOT!

The first thing this changed about me was my erroneous idea that I was capable of being a meticulous housekeeper (and simply always failing to succeed). But creative people have lived-in-looking spaces! I live in a lived-in-looking space! And that's okay!!

The best part about that realization is that ever since I had it, my house has been a lot cleaner! I was able to throw out all my linear housekeeping plans full of unrealistic expectations meant for linear personalities, and in no time at all I was able to whip up a housekeeping routine that works for creative me!! And I have been able to stick to it! And it's not intimidating!

I've been praying for this housekeeping change FOR YEARS. (As a supposedly linear person.)

But first, God had to reveal my real personality to me before He could help me overcome my house. Pretty exciting, actually. Another convoluted, unexpected prayer card answer.

A couple of weeks ago our pastor said he had a sore neck and his wife rubbed it a little, but then she starting working on the knots in his back, which weren't hurting at all, and as soon as she got the knots out of his back, his neck was no longer sore.

Well, my housekeeping habits have been my sore neck these many moons. And I've been rubbing and rubbing and rubbing at my sore neck.

But it turns out I had a knot in my back: trying to be something I'm not, and having no idea who I really am, and therefore no idea how to keep that person's house clean.

I've known all throughout this cocoon experience that I am God's daughter.

But I now stand joyfully before you today as God's creative daughter.

Creative. Just like the artful, intelligent design of a butterfly's wings!

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PS You wanna hear my new housekeeping ideas? I'd love to share them! It's housekeeping made easy!