I've been panicky lately. The kind where simple tasks make me feel like I can't breathe, and I begin to tremble. It's weird. Usually anxiety in my life is triggered by scary movies or creepy tv shows.
But this time, there's just panic.
The details are unimportant.
It could be the move we're finishing up tomorrow after six weeks of being unsettled.
It could be ending an excruciatingly dismal year and wondering if the next will be any better.
It could be aching for more time with my kids.
It could be the endlessly fruitless task of attempting to order my life.
It could be planning and unplanning and replanning a trip.
It could be the dark sky outside.
It could be the combination or culmination of all of the above.
All I know is it feels like the bottom has dropped out of my life and beneath my feet is a bottomless black void I could fall into at any second.
I share all that with you in order to proclaim to you this:
Between me and the black void is sure footing.
My sustenance in this wasteland.
It is strong and stable and will never fail.
It goes like this:
For I am Yahweh, your God,
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you:
do not fear; I will help you.
Yahweh your God is with you,
He is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.
Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord.
Wait upon the Lord.
We will wait upon the Lord.
Our God, You reign forever.
Our Hope, our Strong Deliverer.
You are the Everlasting God.
The Everlasting God.
You do not faint.
You won't grow weary.
You're the Defender of the weak.
You comfort those who seek.
You lift us up on wings like eagles.
When the darkness closes in, Lord,
still I will say:
Blessed be the name of the Lord.
The day is brighter here with You.
The night is lighter than its hue
would lead me to believe,
which leads me to believe
You make everything glorious.
And I am Yours.
What does that make me?
I'd like to know why I am plagued by anxiety attacks. I always assume I've done something to bring them on. I'm not trusting enough. I'm not focused enough. I'm not praying enough. I'm not reading my Bible enough.
But today, as I opened God's Word to my regularly scheduled reading, Jesus explained it for me.
As He went along, He saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked Him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?"
"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life."
Well, I don't know if my physical trembling is the result of spiritual deficiency or not. But I do know the work of God is being displayed in my life.
So again I will say blessed be the name of the Lord.